Updated: Nov 4, 2020
HOW TO TAKE THE LEAP OF FAITH NEEDED
While I learned to find the best in my cowardly life; a part of me has always felt ashamed for giving up on myself. So, one day, my inner being decided it was time to WAKE UP and find my legs again. They were made for jumping!
Once, many years ago, when my acting career was meant to begin and life pretended to blossom; I made several mis steps which detoured my performance career and propelled me into a much more “service” to others life path.
The Trip I never took...
Fresh out of college,single; an acting career calling my name!
I knew California was the place for me!
I had purchased the plan ticket and promised a friend I would meet her to go apartment hunting in San Diego.
I had printed an image of the coast and it hung by my bed as I prepared for my new life.
Some say, these dreams are selfish and we must be practical if we are to become "successful".
Some say, we must serve others in order to gain the passport to our dreams.
Some say, leaping into your dreams with zero abandon is the only way.
Of course this becomes more difficult with age.
I had little reason to stay where I was, other than fear of the unknown.
My boxes were packed, plane ticket bought and I was a week away from starting my new life in San Diego.
Instead, I stayed entangled in a relationship with a man who truly didn’t care for me in the way I "needed" him to.
He prioritized his work and it devastated me because it was such an obvious projection of my deepest injury. Yep, you know the one.
"Daddy Issues 101". If only I could make him love me more than his work, a losing battle every time.
This pattern played like a broken record for years, each time I grew to loathe myself more for making the same mistake.
Each time the recovery took longer; and each time I vowed to never do it again.
My incessant need to please and "show up" for others at work and in relationships eventually caught up with me.
Years of over extending myself kept me from discovering who I was supposed to be, Can we say,”SELF SABOTAGE?
I knew deep down I had something special but I kept stepping over myself to see who else needed me.
Hell, I’d read all the books and been through the counseling ...yet, somehow refused to learn my lesson.
Perhaps, I was resentful for letting my fear overcome my dreams; either way, the resentment emerged and became extremely toxic. Showing itself in jealousy, insomnia, excessive habits, and extreme mood fluctuations.
I began lying to my boss, feeling ashamed for needing more down time; feeding my isolation and self hatred.
I couldn’t give any more of myself.
Tapped out, empty, and running on fumes.
This must have been the WAKE UP CALL my inner being was masterminning behind the scenes.
I just needed to answer the call.